it never means nothing

So I had a complete mental breakdown / panic attack in the associate pastor's office this morning. The issues with the Kairos class have completely depleted my energy. I was left feeling so hurt by everyone who has abandoned the vision and the energy we had set in motion back in August. I'm sad that it had to come to this, although I think everyone finally got the message. The class has hit rock bottom.

I collapsed in a heap of tears in the corner of his office between a table and a chair. I needed the most confined space I could find. Jessica and Travis came back to the church after receiving my text message and sat with me until I was able to calm down. I was such a mess. Finally after nearly an hour, I was able to calm down, get up, and breathe. I was sitting in a chair and looked over at the table I had been crouched against. There was a Bible spread wide open, tucked underneath a couple of books. I laughed, and said "of course you would." Then said to myself, "That never means nothing. That never... means nothing..." Curious to see what message God has sent me this time, I lift up the Bible and my eyes fall to a collection of verses.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even the youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

So I'm renewing my hope in the Lord, because I still cannot do it alone.

the journey

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

- Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist

love

I always thought I'd loved before - and now, looking back, I realize that was never love at all. Not true love, not divine love. I'll find that one day, and when I do, the lessons I have learned will show me its true form.

Today's DailyOM

Enlightenment in Intentions

decorating

Tomorrow my new bed arrives - an orthopedic pillow-top mattress from The Original Mattress Company. I've slept on a crappy futon for 8 months now and for three years prior, two very old, weak mattresses that killed the backs of me and everyone who stayed over. I am beyond excited about my new bed. Also, with a new house comes new decor. I spent the evening shopping for sheets. I decided on dark grey sheets and a white duvet.

The image above shows the two colors together, and the sheets I got are about this deep grey color, but the duvet I got at Target is this one (the one in the picture would have been another $30 I think, and I wasn't crazy about it because it locks me into the grey scheme):

I like it because it is modern with just the right touch of femininity. I'll have to find a bedskirt at some point. For a splash of color I found a beautiful deep red accent pillow. I also have two deep turquoise pillows that I have been toting around for years waiting for the right application. Either would look wonderful on the bed and I could change up the shams and sheets as well. Yes, this is my inner Aunt Bess talking.

The crisp modern color combination and clean lines will contrast my grandmother's antique cherry bedroom furniture nicely. Can't wait to get it all put together. The bed will be done tomorrow afternoon. All that's left to find is a headboard, nightstands, and lamps - more color decisions...

lessons learned

Since Graduation, things have not been all roses in my life. But I heard a quote recently: "Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." - Coach John Wooden


I think I've certainly done well, though not my best, at making the best of the way things turned out.


In this time, I've learned to pick myself up by the proverbial bootstraps, become financially independent and responsible, find gainful employment, and never once did I have to move home. I know some people who have, and I do not mean to critique their decision. It has its values for sure, but to me, that would have seemed like a failure. I am especially glad now, that I did not. Yes, there were nights of hysterical panic attacks and a relapse into depression, but I fought through it, got control, learned more about who I am and what I want, and am moving forward with many lessons learned. I am very thankful for all the people who stepped in along the way, offering advice, a place to stay, a friendly ear, employment, referrals for babysitting and housesitting, etc. I am thankful to my church family for remaining constant. Perhaps I am most thankful for my roommate, Fallon, for all the late nights discussing life, our pasts, our futures, and for her non-judgmental (at least not expressly) listening and advice about relationships, both romantic and platonic.


And there's the "guy report" as a dear friend calls it... I learned a lot about relationships in this time as well. I royally screwed a couple of them up, and others, I finally put my foot down and refrained from letting someone else define me. I think I put it pretty well last week when I was out on a date, talking about dating: "I'm enjoying being single right now. I don't need to date anyone. I mean, if the right guy comes along, I won't turn him down, but I'm certainly not going to lower my standards and settle for the wrong guy."


And then there are the things I've learned by being a nanny: - to endure a little bit of fussiness. Sometimes its just frustration, and goes away, sometimes its good for the person - teaches them to be more independent.
- people need frequent changes of scenery and stimulation.
- time management skills - operating on a schedule, but maintaining flexibility for change.
- keeping calm in times of crisis, like when the baby has thrown up 16 times in an hour and the mother is scared - your sense of calm, collected control over the situation brings peace to all involved.
- communication skills. It is important to give detailed reports of accomplishments (sometimes requiring a photo), accidents, and causes for concern. it is also important to tactfully offer advice - not seeming like a know-it-all, but rather, offering a suggestion.
- to keep the cell phone charged at all times
- to arrive on time
- math. to multiply by 10, divide 15 by 2 and 4, to add up hours and fractions of hours.
- sometimes people are just cranky because they need to eat, take a nap, or have their proverbial diaper changed.

feels like home

A new chapter of my life is beginning. After a long hard winter, spring has arrived. In the form of not only flowers, and leaves on trees, but a new home and a return to my job as an Architectural Intern at Ware Bonsall Architects. It will be hard to leave my nanny job with Devin, but as he and I have discussed, Miss Nicole went to school for 6 (often grueling) years for something quite different - a career about which she is fiercely passionate.

I have looked at four different properties on the very short Kirkwood Avenue in Dilworth. Saturday I got a call from a realtor that was having an open house at one of her rental properties, a 1930's duplex in Dilworth, on the very street I have been eyeing for the past year or so. Would I like to stop by? Of course! I had been trying to find a place with a roommate but he hadn't been in touch with me, so why not check out this option.

I walked in the door and immediately it felt like home. Actually, I didn't even make it in the door. Just walking up to it, I could already see myself sitting on its front porch with morning coffee or a glass of wine in the evenings, greeting neighbors as they walked by. I walked into the bright living room, could see my furniture there, and not crammed in either, it's quite spacious. The dining room is pretty large - I already look forward to its dinner parties, something I've wanted to do on a weekly basis ever since I first thought about moving to this part of town, over a year ago. I'm hoping that it will be known that Sunday evenings are for dinner at Nicole's house. Haven't decided if it will be an open invitation or cycling through a guest list that I already have in mind. Either way, it will be wonderful. Also downstairs is a kitchen of decent size, a half-bathroom, and a laundry room that opens to the back yard. Traveling upstairs, I could not resist the bright large master bedroom. I was sold. It isn't east-facing, but there are 4 windows in the room, two on the south wall and two on the west wall (front of the house). I cannot wait to wake up in this room every day.

The other two bedrooms are upstairs as well. Although both are tiny, they have good light and one is large enough to be rented out to a roommate in the future. The other will be my studio. The floor slopes considerably there, but I'm going to remain optimistic and hopeful that it won't be going any further. I consider myself to be pretty talented at making the most of small spaces, so I'm actually looking forward to solving the problems these two rooms, and the tiny bathroom present.

After the open house I rushed home to figure out how I could afford the initial move-in cost and after a phone call to mom, was back on the phone with the landlord informing her that I was on my way to fill out the application and write her a check for the first month's rent and security deposit. She gave me access to the lockbox and essentially, the place is mine as soon as I want it. I can start measuring, bringing things over, etc. The lease will officially start April 1st though and I plan to have a big move-in weekend. Mom is coming down from Cary to help.

The blogs I've been hunting through recently as well as the images that have best captured my attention surprisingly have not been very modern minded. I'm looking forward to decorating this home with my eclectic style, introducing family heirlooms to its walls and floors, juxtaposing them with some modern touches as well. Some of these pieces I have never had in my home before. Aunt Bess offered me the corner cupboard my Great-Great Grandfather made, I will pick up Nana's cherry dresser and matching highboy for use in my room, possibly one of the cherry twin beds for my guest room. My Great Grandmother's sewing machine will fit nicely as well. Perhaps as a vanity in my room, or as a table in the living room.

The phrase "open floorplan" does not apply to this house at all, but I kind of like that all the spaces are separated, and that there are so many different spaces. In my apartment at Oak Pointe, I had a living room, office, dining room, and kitchen all in the same space. The layout of my new home gives room for things to breathe, rather than being crammed atop one another. The dining room is free to be just that, a dining room, not an office/studio as well. The books will find their way onto shelves around the home and once again, I will not have a desk in my bedroom - something I enjoyed about the Oak Pointe apartment.

The new home is not without its anxieties though - it's an 80 year old house, so it has some issues. The worst is probably the laundry room - it smells like there could be some serious mold in there from a water problem. Everything else seems manageable - just settling and sagging as old homes do.

The other anxiety is that 6 days after filling out the application and writing checks for the first month's rent and security deposit, I still have not received the lease. At least the money is still in the bank though. I know, patience, patience, but I really just want to get everything squared away. I have access to the house via knowing the code to its lockbox and can make a copy of the key at any time, but I'm hesitant to buy anything for the house or move anything in until that lease is signed.

Already I have lots of people that want to see the place, and I really do look forward to some large family-style dinners there :) One big event will be Heather's baby shower May 7th. We're having the guys come too, so I'm thinking it will be more like a cookout than anything. Another event will be having my family over the weekend of May 20th. Aunt Sara and my cousin Jim will be in town, so I want to have everyone come over. At some point, probably in April, there will be a housewarming/retirement party. Retirement from my short career as a nanny. I'll still do it on the side, but I am so relieved to finally be going back to work in the field for which I endured 6 years of education.

serendipity

After publishing the previous post, I flip over to re-read it on my blog homepage. My playlist kicks on and this is the song that the "random shuffle," which usually produces serendipitous subliminal messages, chooses for me to hear:

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now

Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

inspired by another near stranger

hey baby,

I know I'm a mess right now. I don't have things all figured out. I don't even know where I'm going to be living in a month and a half, but I want to tell you something: I think about you all the time. I think about the first time I'll meet you. I wonder what you'll be like. I feel like I will know the minute I see you that you're the one. Our bodies' physical and energetic geometries will fit together with undeniable precision. The thought of you is what keeps me going some days. The thought of you encourages me to get my act together, to work toward becoming the woman, the wife, that I want to reveal to you. I'm not ready to meet you yet. Like I said, I'm a mess right now, but one day, I'll get to tell you all about it, and we can look back, and appreciate our paths and where they have brought us. And from there, we'll look boldly into our future, knowing that we are an unstoppable team - a divine unit of creation, our harmonious energies bringing life into this world. Until then, I have work to do. We'll find each other, I know. When the time is right. For now, know this: I love you, and I thank God for you, my husband, every day.

love,

your wife

bidding farewell to Hotel Charlotte

As a Charlotte Native, one must certainly note the closing of one of our oldest restaurants. Just days after celebrating its 31st anniversary, Hotel Charlotte Restaurant has closed its doors. Now, rumor is that it will probably be re-opened as early as next week under new ownership, but one must take a moment to pause and reflect on this closing of another chapter in its life.

(insert history of the restaurant here)

I had always known it was a choir tradition to go across the street after rehearsal for dinner and drinks. My father had gone weekly before I was born and while I was a young child. My boss went, everyone went, and come to think of it, it was at Hotel Charlotte that I have made the connections leading to my three most recent jobs.

I re-joined my choir family 5 years ago. It's hard to imagine it's been that long, but there have been semesters taken off for school here and there. I'm no longer the youngest choir member either. The summer after I started attending rehearsals, Gratia invited me to join them at Hotel Charlotte for drinks. Well, I was 20 years old, and although I probably could have had a drink, I was ordering Sweet Tea. The waiter told me "Honey, you're at the wrong table. You need to sit outside with the Presbyterians."

You see, our group was known for its drinks. Nancy has Jameson on the rocks, Gratia has Gin and Tonic (with water and a straw so she could dilute it a little), Pam has the Martini, David has the Warsteiner or some other beer, John, Ardis, Debbie and Agnes are the wine connoisseurs (for the record, David and Pam are as well), Larry was working on getting his own glass (which is the reward for drinking all 99 or so different beers that they have). My boss and quite a few others had achieved theirs years ago. I know there are others to be mentioned, but these constitute the present core-group. Where was I to fit in? Well, I became known for the frilly pink raspberry Hotel Charlotte Martini. Then, after that got old, the red wines (Blue Franc, and Shooting Star Zin, to be exact), then margaritas, then the economy hit... I, like everyone else, was cutting back. Water for me, please. Water and half-size salads or just a sandwich. The first few (and worst) weeks of this, others were picking up my tab on occasion. $7-9 was not much to them, and they knew I was only making $30-$100 a week. I fought back though, and the last two weeks I have been able to have a glass of wine with that half-salad or sandwich.

I said before that my most-recent three jobs have come from relationships fostered at Hotel Charlotte. These people knew me from when I was very young - my whole life, even. I probably could have gotten them just being in the choir, but I like to think it was at Hotel where these acquaintanceships became far more familial in nature. Debbie approached me in the fall of 2006 with an offer to come work at the jewelry store for Christmas. When it came time to get an architectural internship, everyone told me I should talk to Paul. I knew I could ask, but I didn't want to design jails. At least not at the time. So I ended up designing water and wastewater treatment plants. After hearing of my upcoming lay-off of from Hazen and Sawyer, it was at Hotel Charlotte one Thursday evening that I casually asked Paul if he would possibly be hiring any interns soon. It was such an exasperated and sarcastic question that I was surprised when he replied "Actually, Glenn and I were talking about that the other day. Why don't you come in and bring your portfolio by the office one day?" That was perhaps the easiest job-acquisition ever. I worked for them for a year and a half. The economy hit their firm a couple of months before graduation. After several months of unemployment and building my babysitting clientele, Pam and David took the get-nicole-a-job baton, recommending me to their daughter as a potential nanny for their grandson, Devin. That's where I'm working now. It's not ideal, and everyone knows I would rather be working in a firm, but it's where I am, and there certainly are worse ways to make money than spending one's time playing with an 8 month old baby all day.

So last night, I drag Ross over to Hotel Charlotte for its final night. As we are walking in, I notice Paul's vehicle in the parking lot. The place is packed - it's standing room only at the bar. Paul quickly finds us, and I introduce him to Ross, my friend who is about to graduate, inevitably joining the world of the unemployed architectural grads. We order our last round of drinks, which Paul picks up the tab on, chat for a while, and bid the Steve and Sam (the owner and bartender, respectively) farewell, and head on to The Comet and Sir Edmond Halleys, two other fine Charlotte establishments, that only the locals really know about, and can find, for that matter ;)

mumford and sons and marketing ploys

Okay, so I've been hearing about Mumford and Sons for over 6 months now (which yes, I know means I'm out of the loop). They've come up on a couple of my Pandora stations and friends have posted their music on Facebook. I've listened to some of their songs and immediately loved them but today I'm finally making the commitment - looking up lyrics, buying the album, committing the songs to memory, etc.

Immediately the marketing ploys take over... iTunes' genius feature suggests that I may like Vampire Weekend's new album, Contra. So I listen - of course I would, iTunes has me all figured out... Pandora is sneaky like this too... I have found so many artists that I never would have heard of before simply from chasing threads through the Music Genome Project. I would have to say still, the best find ever was David Falcone, a fantastic fingerstyle acoustic guitarist from Philadelphia who is a psychology professor at Lasalle University. His song, Lullaby for Lauren came up on my Jeff Buckley Pandora station, which was created after seeing his cover of Hallelujah posted on a friend's facebook wall.

And it will continue... Earlier this month I swiped a near-stranger's entire playlist from playlist.com - there were lots of people I had never heard of before and am falling in love with. Also, I've just made the Mumford and Sons Pandora station, so you know there will be more there as well.

My love for music used to be a very expensive venture, after years of swiping I made a moral decision to come by my music honsetly, and iTunes loved me, but now thanks to playlist.com, Pandora, YouTube, etc. I am able to enjoy finding the music I love without blowing the bank :)

historic preservation

found this neat photo-blog on dornob.com - find the article here.

The author writes: Changing Change: Only time will tell, but I would like to think that at some point in the future someone will add another layer to this process by literally overlapping yet a third photograph onto each scene, taking a fresh snapshot that further tells the passing of time.

a little marcus aurelius for the evening

6:11 When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control, and do not remain out of tune longer that you can help. Habitual recurrence to the harmony will increase your mastery of it.

6:31 Come back now to your sober senses; recall your true self; awake from slumber, and recognize that they were only dreams that troubled you; and as you looked on them, so look now on what meets your waking eyes.

7:56 Take it that you have died today, and your life's story is ended; and henceforward regard what further time may be given you and as uncovenanted surplus, and live it out in harmony with nature.

back to blogging

A new friend has intrigued me to get back to blogging - to use my blog as a repository for inspirations and curiosities - to share ideas and passions. With the new playlist feature and Pandora sidebar I can also share a little more about my recent musical discoveries. Loving this!