I used to throw out the "L" word a little too early, and it lost its meaning. I wanted it to mean more when I said it, so I decided I wouldn't say it again until I was sure. The next (and most recent) time I told a guy I was falling in love with him was in the fall of 2010, after an intense first month of dating, during a discussion that ultimately led to three days of silence from him, followed by an email break-up letter. I lost it. I spun into the darkest depression I had ever seen. I blamed myself for the slightest missteps which had caused me to lose him. It took over a year to feel any sense of comfort and closure. I had dated other people, but never had gotten over him. It wasn't until I was surprised by a friendship that blossomed into a new relationship and dare I say, began to fall in love again, that I was able to understand the purpose of that intense, blissful encounter that made so much sense, that felt so right. I finally realized that relationship's purpose was to teach me that such a connection could exist. It wasn't until I found it again that I understood. Yesterday I found out that while I had been tormenting myself, he had quickly moved on. He had found love almost immediately, was engaged four months after we broke up, and married two months after that, all while I was fighting the darkness. My head is still spinning.
Now back up. It wasn't until I found it again that I understood. I finally found that connection again, and this time it was even stronger, mutually rooted in faith, even, which had lacked in the past. I felt again that feeling that everything just makes sense. That you're exactly where you need to be, but I was scared. I didn't tell him I loved him. I had been so sure before, and it hadn't worked. I don't know if I'm glad I kept my mouth shut this time around. You see, he left too, and again I beat myself up for every little thing I could think of that could have changed the outcome. He said he needed time, that he hoped one day we could get back to where we were. I've tried not to push it, not to force anything because I know that will only push him away and I'll lose the good friend that I still have. And I'm not waiting for him on purpose. I told someone last week, I'm "de-facto" waiting. I've been on a few dates, but nothing feels right. I don't have time to put a huge effort into meeting someone new. My emotions are still raw. I don't have closure, and today, all that I can think of is what happened before, and hope that I'm not falling into the same trap again, that I'm beating myself up when he's already moved on... Or will I go on beating myself up until I find it again? In richer, purer form? Who knows. Like I said, my head is just spinning.
Now back up. It wasn't until I found it again that I understood. I finally found that connection again, and this time it was even stronger, mutually rooted in faith, even, which had lacked in the past. I felt again that feeling that everything just makes sense. That you're exactly where you need to be, but I was scared. I didn't tell him I loved him. I had been so sure before, and it hadn't worked. I don't know if I'm glad I kept my mouth shut this time around. You see, he left too, and again I beat myself up for every little thing I could think of that could have changed the outcome. He said he needed time, that he hoped one day we could get back to where we were. I've tried not to push it, not to force anything because I know that will only push him away and I'll lose the good friend that I still have. And I'm not waiting for him on purpose. I told someone last week, I'm "de-facto" waiting. I've been on a few dates, but nothing feels right. I don't have time to put a huge effort into meeting someone new. My emotions are still raw. I don't have closure, and today, all that I can think of is what happened before, and hope that I'm not falling into the same trap again, that I'm beating myself up when he's already moved on... Or will I go on beating myself up until I find it again? In richer, purer form? Who knows. Like I said, my head is just spinning.
