Friendship:

Last night, I sent up a flare, of sorts.  I typically abhor passive-aggressive conflict resolution/emotional venting facebook posts, but I was wounded and it was the only tool I could find in my survival kit at the time:

Some people, you'll never be able to please, and will judge every little thing you do or word you say. Nothing will ever be right, or good enough. You'll praise them, and reach out to them to build a friendship. They'll have the audacity to judge you behind your back, and they'll hurt your friends, leading your friends to distance themselves from you. You'll invite them to your party and they'...ll decline by "leaving the conversation." They'll never invite you out or to be part of a group. You'll say you need a girls night, and they'll refer you to other people. You'll see this person when the mood suits them. For some reason they lead you to believe they care, so you keep trying, you're not really sure why, because all they ever give you in return is selfishness, criticism, double standards. They get upset about something, but it's not ok for you to give them your opinion about why they shouldn't be upset. You get excited about something and they tell you why you shouldn't be excited. You get upset, and they tell you why it's not okay for you to be upset. You'll be on such a high, having had such a great night, and you'll leave their presence feeling worthless, judged, kicked around, and patronized. You're just someone they have to put up with. Just part of their job. My friends... this is not the definition of a friend.

Raina Walochik Smith Cut your losses. You can walk away knowing you gave an honest effort. I guarantee it's not personal, they are probably unhappy period.

Ingeborg Aarnink Nicole there are unhappy selfish people ......!

Lindsay Morris You deserve better treatment.

Courtney White Be a friend to yourself and cut this person loose.
 

In response to this post, where I expressed the hurt another person has caused me, which serves as a tangible example of the hurt I have felt from many others, I received several messages from friends, some as comments on the post, but many as personal messages, asking if I was ok.  One person even broke down my post, line by line, imparting wisdom, encouraging me, and asking questions like: why I was allowing another person to dictate my happiness, why I was investing in a one-sided relationship, why I was not able to be happy being my own best friend, why I try so hard to impress others, why I need their affirmation, why I spend time on a relationship that drains my energy…

I needed time for this to sink in.  I had known, as difficult as it was, that this person whom I greatly admire, but had caused pain was placed into my life to teach me a lesson.  And the friend who dissected my post was also placed into my life to teach me a lesson.  You see, this lovely lady came into my life quite unexpectedly.  She fell in love with a friend of mine, and I immediately loved her, but took her friendship for granted.  Both have made me realize a few things.

I’ve had a hard time with the “being my own best friend” thing, and I haven’t really been a great friend to others, either.  I remember noticing for the first time in the eighth grade that usually, when something bothers me about someone, there is something they are doing, that I also do.  I’ve been pretty selfish also, and have not always recognized the people around me who do love and appreciate me, and allow me to love and appreciate them in return.  This past Saturday, I had 5 or 6 different events and I cancelled my attendance at all of them.  I’m not sure why, exactly, but I just knew that I didn’t have the energy to give others the attention they deserved.  It’s been pretty tough, but I’m hoping that now that my exams are over, I can get my life back in balance.  I have spread myself so thin, trying to please too many people at the cost of losing my own core strength and identity.  So that, I suppose, has to come back first.  Then, out of abundance, not the need for affirmation, I can focus on others and give them the attention, love and energy they deserve.  I’ve been so susceptible to what others think of me, because I’ve lost that core identity and control of my own life.

Last night, in Erin’s sermon, she spoke of the great lengths to which God will go to call us back.  That he will use both the bad and the good, the hard times and the happy times.  The challenges and the blessings.  I had not been to church in several weeks due to travels, illness, and exams, and could feel myself slipping away.  I have this arsenal of tools and lessons I have learned over the years, from my Christian faith, but my holistic wellness and spiritual practices as well.  These are gifts that, once received, can never be taken away, and on occasion I have used them, but I have neglected the use of them to their full potential.  I have buried them and pushed them away.  Last night, while singing with Kelly, Kelsey, and Jeff – our four voices locking together in harmony, I once again reached that depth I had been missing.  I sunk into those songs, and my heart reached a place of grounding and strength I had been missing.  Luckily, this physical feeling is powerful and easy to get back to, even after a burst of emotional pain.  It is from this place and the love and support of friends that care, that I have been able to recognize that which has been lacking in my life recently, and to be able to correct the misconceptions I had formed in my head.